Cake is awesome. Diets are for pussies.
Posted on July 19, 2018
I always thought that as I got older, my sugar addiction would surely diminish. Yet here I am, aged 28, and still waking up out of a dead sleep to plow through a whole tray of chips ahoy at the strike of midnight. This is not an exaggeration by the way, and I need to remember to ask my doctor about this…
I like to think that I live a relatively healthy lifestyle. I work out, (usually) and i’ve recently converted to vegetarianism about three months ago. To my shock and surprise, I did not drop ten pounds on the second day of my new vegetarian lifestyle. Where’s the abs? (Calm down, i’m not that dumb and know that this is not how you get abdominals.)
They obviously come from detox tea and booty bands.
In all seriousness, I did finally decide to cut out meats for good because I just overall felt a hundred times better not eating it, I love animals and would like to not eat them, and I do have a small health issue: a faulty kidney. Plus I love a good challenge, and this was something I had never tried before. The doc has said red meats are not helping my kid whatsoever, (I like to abbreviate my kidney to ‘kid’ just to fuck with people) and I could really benefit from changing my diet. I think what he also said, that i’ve chosen to zone out, is that surviving off of tofu, coffee, and sour patch kids will NOT help my condition though. Side note: If you’ve never frozen your sour patch kids, you’re doing it wrong..
I like to surround myself around like-minded people who enjoy sweets and caffeine just as much as I do…which is why one of my first jobs in New Zealand was working at this amazing Cakery for a woman named Danielle, who like me, was obsessed with cookies, cakes, lollies, you name it. She is a fucking badass babe who, I swear to god, makes the best fucking cupcakes I have ever placed inside my mouth. If you’re ever in Mount Maunganui, GO TO SPONGEDROP CAKERY. When working there, I literally got paid to occasionally make coffees, but mostly sit on the floor behind the counter eating cake scraps out of a massive bowl with copious amounts of icing on it with Dan. (As seen pictured below.)
God bless that woman. To this day, she still remains one of my closest friends. Cake really did bring us together.
I come from a family that would choose sweet over savory any day. (Kiwi friends, calm down. I realize y’all spell ‘savory, as ‘savoury’ and ‘realize’ as ‘realise’…christ.) There is never a time, where a Rogers doesn’t have some sort of shweet little snack conveniently always located on the kitchen counter as a welcoming gesture. For example, recently I visited back home and stayed with my uncle. Like a true Rogers should, he had not just a normal size bag, not even a party size bag, but one of those COSTCO sized bags of peanut butter m&m’s in one of those holders that your paper towels are supposed to go in. Not only was I proud of the m&m flavor choice, but also very impressed with the innovativeness. You do you, Ron.
I was raised by my mom..and basically my aunty, grandma, uncle, grandpa, etc… but for the most part, it was always just Mom and I. This woman is a queen and has taught me everything I know. She is also the sweetest (pun intended) human being I know. One time, because she knew how much I loved Cookie Dough, she made a whole batch of cookie dough, froze it, and let me eat it just as is periodically. Salmonella? Psshh. Who cares. Throughout childhood, we feasted on Disney movies, ABC Family Christmas marathons, and delicious AF foods. A few core lessons learned from Mom: First and most foremost, NEVER use a bowl when eating ice cream. Plop yourself up on the kitchen counter, and dig into that shit with a spoon. Not only are you saving on clean-up, but you’re not having to portion control. Nobody has the time nor energy for all that. Secondly, brownie batter is actually even more delicious than the actual brownies! Studies HAVE shown. So grab a spoon. Another fact, Rosarita Traditional refried beans and corn chips are a staple meal and are best consumed when either watching Days of Our Lives, The Price is Right, or anything on Cartoon Network. Lastly, it is 100% okay to order a whole ice-cream cake from Dairy Queen for yourself on a Tuesday night. Tell people at the DQ you’re going to a party, or just own it and say, “Yes..this is for myself.”
I’ve gone on a bit of a tangent here. There really isn’t any point to this blurb. I just wanted to confess my love for carbs, sweets, sugar, and I guess just calories in general. I also adore all other humans who share the same guilty pleasures that shouldn’t even be guilty at all. I’ll never pretend to be one of those people that live off of green smoothies, kale chips, and lemon water, which if you do, you go girl! Sure your skin might be amazing and people will mistake you for a 10 year old child, but there is no harm in treating yourself every once in awhile. The key is moderation. Do I practice an ounce of moderation? Probably not. That’s where exercise, lemon water, and buddha bowls come into play.
Anyway! Dinner is cooking, my book is calling, and i’m eating a cookie. Why the fuck not. Give a mouse a cookie, and she’ll probably write a blog about it.
*(For the Record, myself, and my fam, surprisingly are not in the slightest obese, nor diabetics). Praise be.